He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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