I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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