First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
