I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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