And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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