So drunk, too bad you don't want this
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
