a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
