When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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