u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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