i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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