the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
