if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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