I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
