I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
