Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
