today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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