you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Randomize
