I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
