I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
