she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
