I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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