i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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