Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Help. Why am I so naked?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
