The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
