Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
