Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
