i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
