My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
