Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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