How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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