I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
