I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
