hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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