Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
