Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
