She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
