Have you finally orgasmed yet?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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