I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
