He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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