it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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