Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
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