my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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