you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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