Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
