Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
