the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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