I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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