She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
