we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
