I wish I could teleport
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
